The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
