some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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