Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
