My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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