The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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