Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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