I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
