i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
