My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
