so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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