I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
