Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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