I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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