he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
