and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
