It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
