Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
