i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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