he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
