i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
