you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
