Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
