She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
