So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
