Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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