I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
