Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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