Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
