Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She bit a glass in half.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
