I wish I could punch you in the face.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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