Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
