If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
