I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
