ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
