Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
