The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
