mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
