I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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