I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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