The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I think my moral compass just broke
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
