Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
