if you like me you must not know who I am
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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