the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
