Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
