I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
