So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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