i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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