I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize