She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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