Got a toothbrush?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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