I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In other news, I just burned my penis
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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