good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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