hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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