my phone needs a breathalizer
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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