We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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