Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
