No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
