My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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