My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You ate ashes out of my bong
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
